Being busy and having our hands full...

....it's all relative!  I was waiting in the doctor's office to get a flu shot when a woman came in with a stroller the size of a Smart Car (I am absolutely not kidding).  She had a tiny baby strapped to the front of her body and in the front of the stroller was a young tyke who looked like a young 18 months old (turns out I was right on the money).  The OTHER teeny baby was in the stroller rumble seat.   A toddler and twins! Whew!  I was exhausted just looking at her.  This scene definitely turned heads.  All the women in the waiting room   perked up and we all  smiled, oohed and aahed and offered help.  The mother-with-her-hands-full then proceeded to mention that she had two other kids: an 11-year old and a six- year old.  Whew baby!  You could almost hear the collective thoughts going through our heads..."boy I'm glad that's not me"...  While I was waiting I had been thinking how busy I was going to be and could they hurry up and call my name so I could get on with my day....
This definitely made me pause and reflect (pleasantly) to when I was once a young mom with a five-year old, a two-and-a-half-year old little rough and tumbler and a three-month old baby.  I thought I had it hard then maneuvering out in public a double stroller as long as the Queen Mary.  Busy!  I didn't field phone calls and deal with customers, but was definitely busy keeping everyone content, fed and safe...  It was a happy-kind of busy!

Coming Full Circle in Love

     Despite a childhood full of pets - everything from dogs, cats, ducks and rabbits, along with a pair of turtles I "boiled" to death by mistake while trying to clean them - I have always been known as the person who did not want a dog!  Not ever.  But throw in a couple of children who made a strong case for having one and a sudden moment of weakness in October 2001 and there I was writing a check to the Atlanta Humane Society for $82 and the honor of taking home a cute black one year old dog!  Bailey got her name before we even got home probably because my daughter was so shocked that Mom said yes that she wanted to claim her before I changed my mind.  I noted on the drive home that "This dog will probably be living at our house after the children leave home."  Famous last words...

     In the ensuing 11 years, Bailey became a full fledged member of the family.  She is the sweetest dog - never barked at anyone, did whatever you told her and added joy to our everyday life - if you can discount all the times she chewed through the fence, chewed the outside of the house trying to get in, ate some Christmas gifts under the tree or jumped THROUGH the screened porch screen to get inside during a storm.  Thunder and fireworks were not her thing!  In the beginning it was so bad that we hired a dog psychologist to work with her!  Did not help a bit.

     Despite her idiosyncrasies, our children loved her beyond words.  Their delight made all the other things worth it.  Seeing her in the basement playroom with her nose on the steps, watching her go wild with excitement when they came home from college, seeing her joy when someone got the leash that meant walk time, just always having her greet you when you came home was worth alot more than the $82.  Of course the bill did not include the thousands we later spent to repair a broken pelvis from a run in with a car, thousands more for surgery in 2010 to save her life when she had a tumor, several bouts of vestibular disease and a few awful bites from a copperhead in our yard!

     For the past few months Bailey has struggled with a rear leg that just did not want to work.  No more walks around the block; it was hard to even get up.  But two weeks ago suddenly neither rear leg would work.  The heartbreak of it all.  So we are at the crossroads of being good pet lovers and owners and need to make the decision to let her go.  The "children" who are no longer children are heartbroken, my husband who works from home and spends time with her as his office mate is already lonely and I, who have always seen Bailey as my last link to the time of having children at home can  hardly bear to think of it.  But we owe her one last thing - to make the end as easy as possible.  As my daughter said, "We cannot keep her alive just because WE are too sad to let her go." There was a great beginning and now the end is almost here.  Wish us luck...

Empty Nest Redux

     Is there anything more stressful than teaching a 15 year old how to drive, waiting on SAT scores, looking for college acceptances and kissing the kids goodbye on the steps of their freshman dorm?  Not for me.  But somehow as you look back you realize that we all made it through and in a blink everyone is on to their "adult" lives.

     Apparently the next step in the epilogue of the parenting manual is how to enjoy your children as the adults they now are.  New realities include traveling long distances to see them in their own environments, counting the days until they come home, watching with joy as they obtain jobs or relationships that make them happy, listening more than instructing and worrying from afar when things do not go smoothly while knowing you no longer really have the "power" to fix things for them. That part of your job is done.

     The journey continues in a different manner but what a journey it continues to be!  Just as early childhood brings first lost teeth, the beginning of school, learning to ride a bike, going off to summer camp, the twenties bring their own sweet joys.  This summer we have been on the weddign circuit watching young couples take that next step in their lives (including PS Pam's son) and what fun it has been!  A good reminder that while things we love and enjoy pass, many other wondrous times await us if we open our hearts and minds to them.  When you have loved being a Mom and having children in your home, it is often hard to push on to the next stage.  But like a toddler screaming as you pull them away from Toys 'R Us, if you just relax, it all works out.

   A wise Dad I know recently told me - "When your kids are in their twenties it is no longer your role to say nay.  You must with enthusiasm say Yay about everything while letting them know you are always their umbrella if they need one."

As they say about Life...it goes on.

One week to go!  Pictured above are my wedding planning mantras!  This time next week we should be just about lining up the bridal party for the processional... Well, I am still breathing after one crazy week.  Last weekend we helped Alex and Aya move a couch, table and a bed into their apartment.... plus a few of their lovely wedding gifts.  Alex started orientation classes at Emory on Monday.  About the same time they discovered their apartment unit has a flea infestation.  Are you kidding me?!?!  Poor Aya got the worst of it:  swollen ankles, nasty bites, itching and not sleeping at night.    Wedding details took a backseat to more important issues like dealing with the apartment management,  scheduling fumigation and considering all options.  Alex and Aya moved back to our house (after  first setting off bug bombs and cooking their bags in the trunk of the car before being allowed into the house) Sorry kids but we couldn't risk it.

Meanwhile, a few days ago Mochi the family dog decided to throw up in several places in the house, of course on the carpet.  Really Mochi?  Turns out she attacked some exotic prey (otherwise known as my ostrich feather duster).  Feathers all over my deck.  Why was the feather duster on the deck you ask?  Because all the items in my laundry room were moved so I could maneuver behind my washing machine to try to diagnose why it was leaking.  My twenty-year old washer has chosen this time to start pitching fits.  Water all over the floor....of course with company coming...and Chandler arriving home with all her stuff after a year abroad!

Seems like everybody has a story like this...perhaps just something else to be factored into the hustle,  bustle and general chaos one finds oneself in when the wedding is a week away!  I am looking forward to eating cake and celebrating!!

Wedding in Reverse

          Just two weeks to go.  It was February, a little less than six months ago, when I found myself about to produce a play otherwise known as Alex and Aya's wedding.  You know those wedding planning guidelines with timeframes?  Well,  that got thrown out the window when I, as mother-of-the-groom, took on the role of sole wedding planner.  Due to international logistics and various circumstances this wedding couldn't be planned in the most conventional way.  So I just worked in reverse.
February:  Venues visited and one chosen.  check
                  Bridesmaid dresses ordered on line and mailed to Okinawa.    check
                  Florist confirmed.  check
                  DJ  interviewed.  check

March/April:  Photographer booked.  check
                       Invitations ordered.  check
                       One bridesmaid dress returned from Okinawa to be returned
                       to Lord&Taylor.
                       Guess what? Someone in shipping and handling forgot to remove        
                       the plastic security tag on the dress!
                        And, Lord& Taylor no longer had that particular dress anymore,
                       so had to order it from Nordstrom's.
                     
May:  groom arrives in the US.    check
          groom grinds his teeth anticipating his fiancee's visa to come through.

June:  invitations addressed and sent out.  check
          June 25th:  bride arrives in the US.  (Yay! her permanent visa has been approved)!   
          June 26th:  bride goes shopping for her wedding dress

July:  continued maintenance on the guest list RSVPs...  
          ...wedding gown alterations completed... wedding shoe shopping creates
          a challenge:  the bride wears a size 5 shoe.  Choices are limited.
         At one point we had four different pairs of shoes as she tried to find
         the perfect fit.  Why, you ask, couldn't Aya just get a pair of white shoes
         in Japan in her size before she came over?  Most Japanese weddings
         have rented dresses and shoes
          .....so finding white/dressy-wedding-appropriate shoes in her size is
         as elusive as looking for  Cinderella's glass slipper.

Now, where did that month go....

..... a hundred and eleven things to do every day.  Doesn't matter if I had a year or longer to plan a wedding, now it's down to the party-planning finish line and my things-to-do-must-complete list reproduces overnight.    
I have every wedding vendor's phone number on speed dial.  Next week one bridesmaid returns home after a year in Tokyo.  Five days later the other two bridesmaids arrive from Okinawa just in time to make rehearsal and of course the wedding day!
                                        .... remaining calm....                                                            

On Track

Mothers and Sons, on the Same Track (Dominique Browning, NYTimes June 2011)

Last year I came across this article and it has resonated with me ever since.  You can read the full article here:

http://travel.nytimes.com/2011/06/05/travel/dominique-browning-on-a-train-trip-with-her-two-grown-sons.html?pagewanted=all

    Like the author, I also have two sons of similar age; my oldest also named Alex!  When I read this article I was envious of the time Ms. Browning had to spend time with her adult boys.  Wouldn't I love to do that, too.  Then, just  such a chance came my way when my husband and I were given an opportunity at Christmas to fly to Japan to be with our sons (and daughter).  It was one of our most memorable experiences--we felt like we had won the lottery.  In our case, a single train trip wasn't a particular focus;  our train and subway travel was predominantly a means to get somewhere else.  However, the sentiments shared with the newspaper article weren't lost on me.  I relished every minute we had to spend with "the kids."  
 
   Some of Ms. Browning's passages  nailed those sentiments perfectly:  "The entry into adult childhood, with its complex alchemy of separation and attachment, is as fraught a time as the baby end of childhood.  More so, for the parent, anyway.  When he is 5, a child has no choice to be with you.  When he is 25, he is with you only by choice.  As most of us don't want to lose touch with our kids just when they become truly interesting people, we have to figure out how to navigate that perilous, post-adolescent territory.    Do interesting things together.  Do anything together".  and, "they will never be 8 years old again.  Nor do you want them to be.  Not really.  Just a bit."   




Truly  my husband and I relish every chance  to spend time with the kids, as our children become more independent and distant (in both the literal and figurative sense) from their parents.  We do what it takes.  How about the time we drove up and back from Atlanta to Washington, D.C. over a weekend to watch one son play in a lacrosse game (not to mention the actual time we were able to spend with him totaled about an hour).  Now, our oldest son is engaged to be married in a few months, and we find ourselves planning most of his wedding.  (I'll save that for another blog).

 It makes me reflect on the end of Ms.  Browning's article:    "we left that train as a new and different family.  All of us were more grown up somehow in the blink of an eye.   Everything ends too fast.  Childhood is just the beginning."

Gratitude in Spades

Did you ever think about how many people and events touch your life? How about all the good deeds of others that do not seem to be noticed?

Seeing as how I am terrible at New Year's Resolutions - don't care about them and rarely make or keep them, I decided this year to resolve to be more grateful for all that makes up my life. Now, I wake up every day and thank God for my many blessings but I knew there had to be another way to be more mindful of the good things.

So I made a pledge to myself that as many days as I could I would let someone who had touched my life know about it. What fun I have had! I have written about 5 letters or cards a week since New Year's...to young folks getting their Eagle Scout badge, to neighbors who are doing marvellous things in the lives of others, to my first grade teacher, to the lady who kept my children when they were little, to the mother of my deceased best childhood friend, to people I come in contact with through my work, to my children. The responses I have received have been utterly amazing.

People seem shocked that I would write a handwritten letter (how I miss the days of opening my mailbox and finding a letter from someone that I could not wait to open!) and they are so full of their own gratitude that I took the time to notice them or remember them. The positive contacts have been astounding to me and as oftens happens, my small efforts have actually rewarded ME. That was never my intention but the joy others appear to have gotten from hearing what they have brought to MY life is like a boomerang or a ball bouncing back into your lap.

No, you cannot go back but you can keep the chain of all good things that you have been blessed with going forever.